July 15, 2007

~ Randomly...

The truth is as you have said and as you thought to be scary. I am afraid of being happy and being hopeful. It sums up what we spoke about last night.

The shiver and the blank coldness of the fingers, the only response being to curl up and hold my own knees to my chest and not being able to speak... That was how much hope transformed into fear. I really don't think you need to, or anyone needs to, remind me of that.

What seems like punishment is just a kind of protection.

But, no. I never expected you or anyone else, for that matter, to understand.

But it was good. To know that someone cares enough to say she doesn't understand, even if she might have tried.

xxx

'Live'. Like a Chinese version of Fat Frog when it was Fat Frog. Crowd is a far cry from what Fat Frog has become now. But, she does sing quite beautifully. But they should either make better beverages or bring down the price of their mediocre menu.

xxx

Going for wisdom tooth extraction tomorrow. And what will follow is a week of medical leave. Which I will spend sleeping a lot, under the effects of painkillers (I hope). And just thinking about that message. The sms that Meisen sent.

And possibly, also the conversation I had with Wenn and Ade yesterday night, at a bus-stop that no bus will come to.

If this is the best year for me yet, then maybe I should give more thought to what I want to do for awhile more. Or maybe, what I should do. Because honestly? What I want to do is to keep avoiding and keep finding stuff to distract myself. Occasionally, when I let loose and allow for missing her, allow for the past to creep back out, allow for such sadness, it comes. And then, it goes. Nobody even has to know about it.

But, if there is really something that I should do, if life ever needs a meaning, if I ever need to find that meaning, then, perhaps I can start in this week. Or should start.

I'm getting used to this. I said before, it's all a matter of getting used to.

I still have the company of friends on the journey home. That's true. It's the reaching home and finding no one waiting for you that is the lonely bit.

I've been killing a lot of ants these past few weeks.

And how about the prayer? Has it even reached God?

Maybe I'd rent some DVDs and watch. While waiting for miracles to happen. And time to pass while I am still stuck where I am. My choice.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:02